KeithB
Moderator
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!
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What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
__________________________________________________________________
What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Internet
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman
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How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.
__________________________________________________________________
What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.
__________________________________________________________________
Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
__________________________________________________________________
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
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Why did God create woman ?
To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.
__________________________________________________________________
Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.
__________________________________________________________________
What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.
__________________________________________________________________
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you
Done wrong?
Made her chain too long
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How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
__________________________________________________________________
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
Never be able to support you.
__________________________________________________________________
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer
To the kitchen sink.
__________________________________________________________________
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'
__________________________________________________________________
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
__________________________________________________________________
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
Pressure.
__________________________________________________________________
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
Front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
__________________________________________________________________
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
__________________________________________________________________
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by
90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.
__________________________________________________________________
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
__________________________________________________________________
Women will never be equal to men..
Until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and
Still think they are sexy.
__________________________________________________________________
An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked "are you a real cowboy?"
He replied '"well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts; working cows; going to rodeos; fixing fences; pulling calves; bailing hay; doctoring calves; cleaning my barn; fixing flats; working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, So I guess I am a cowboy."
She said, "Im a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women... as soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "are you a real cowboy?"
He replied " I always thought I was...but, I just found out that I'm a lesbian".
_________________________________________________________________
Trevor, the farmer, was in the fertilised egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets' and eight or ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilise the eggs.
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the stock pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so Trevor could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favourite rooster was old Gordon, and a very fine specimen he was too, but on this particular morning Trevor noticed old Gordon's bell hadn't rung at all! Trevor went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover but to farmer Trevor's amazement, Gordon had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Trevor was so proud of Gordon, he entered him into the West Berkshire County Fair and Gordon became an overnight sensation among the judges. The Result - the judges not only awarded Gordon the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly Gordon was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?
Do you know a Pulletician called Gordon?
Marry It!
__________________________________________________________________
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
__________________________________________________________________
What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Internet
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman
__________________________________________________________________
How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.
__________________________________________________________________
What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.
__________________________________________________________________
Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
__________________________________________________________________
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
__________________________________________________________________
Why did God create woman ?
To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.
__________________________________________________________________
Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.
__________________________________________________________________
What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.
__________________________________________________________________
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you
Done wrong?
Made her chain too long
__________________________________________________________________
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
__________________________________________________________________
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
Never be able to support you.
__________________________________________________________________
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer
To the kitchen sink.
__________________________________________________________________
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'
__________________________________________________________________
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
__________________________________________________________________
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
Pressure.
__________________________________________________________________
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
Front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
__________________________________________________________________
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
__________________________________________________________________
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by
90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.
__________________________________________________________________
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
__________________________________________________________________
Women will never be equal to men..
Until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and
Still think they are sexy.
__________________________________________________________________
An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked "are you a real cowboy?"
He replied '"well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts; working cows; going to rodeos; fixing fences; pulling calves; bailing hay; doctoring calves; cleaning my barn; fixing flats; working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, So I guess I am a cowboy."
She said, "Im a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women... as soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "are you a real cowboy?"
He replied " I always thought I was...but, I just found out that I'm a lesbian".
_________________________________________________________________
Trevor, the farmer, was in the fertilised egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets' and eight or ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilise the eggs.
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the stock pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so Trevor could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favourite rooster was old Gordon, and a very fine specimen he was too, but on this particular morning Trevor noticed old Gordon's bell hadn't rung at all! Trevor went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover but to farmer Trevor's amazement, Gordon had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Trevor was so proud of Gordon, he entered him into the West Berkshire County Fair and Gordon became an overnight sensation among the judges. The Result - the judges not only awarded Gordon the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly Gordon was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?
Do you know a Pulletician called Gordon?
