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>> TOMMY COOPER ONE LINERS
>>
>>
>>
>> Tommy Cooper \'one-liners\'
>> A little something to brighten the day
>>
>>
>> 1. Two blondes walk into a building..... you\'d think at least
>> one of them would have seen it.
>>
>>
>> 2. Phone answering machine message - \"...If you want to buy
>> marijuana,press the hash key...\"
>>
>>
>> 3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for
>> shorts. The shrink says, \"Well, I can clearly see you\'re nuts.\"
>>
>>
>> 4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
>> couldn\'t find any.
>>
>>
>> 5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid
>> that he couldn\'t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, \"No, the
>> steaks are too high.\"
>>
>>
>> 6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant
>> pulled him in.
>>
>>
>> 7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He
>> shouted, \"Doctor, doctor, I can\'t feel my legs!\" The doctor replied,
\"I
>> know you can\'t, I\'ve cut your arms off\".
>>
>>
>> 8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
>>
>>
>> 9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire
>> in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can\'t have
>> your kayak and heat it.
>>
>>
>> 10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van
>> covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped
himself.
>>
>>
>> 11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his
>> head. Doc says \"I\'ll give you some cream to put on it.\"
>>
>>
>> 12. \'Doc I can\'t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home\'
>> \"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. \'Is it common?\' \"It\'s not
>> unusual.\"
>>
>>
>> 14. Guy goes into the doctor\'s. \"Doc, I\'ve got a cricket ball
>> stuck up my backside.\" \"How\'s that?\" \"Don\'t you start.\"
>>
>>
>> 15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
>>
>>
>> 16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
>>
>> 17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me \"Can
>> you give me a lift?\" I said \"Sure, you look great, the world\'s
>> your oyster, go for it.\'
>>
>>
>> 18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There
>> are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It\'s either my
>> mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother
>> Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.
>>
>>
>> 19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other \"Your round.
>> \"The other one says \"So are you, you fat bast**d!\"
>>
>>
>> 20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery
>> acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let
the
>> other one off.
>>
>>
>> 21. \"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving
>> today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, \'Parking
>> Fine.\' So that was nice.
>>
>>
>> 22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, \"I\'ve hurt my arm in
>> several places\" The doctor said, \"Well don\'t go there anymore\"
>>
bert
>>
>>
>>
>> Tommy Cooper \'one-liners\'
>> A little something to brighten the day
>>
>>
>> 1. Two blondes walk into a building..... you\'d think at least
>> one of them would have seen it.
>>
>>
>> 2. Phone answering machine message - \"...If you want to buy
>> marijuana,press the hash key...\"
>>
>>
>> 3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for
>> shorts. The shrink says, \"Well, I can clearly see you\'re nuts.\"
>>
>>
>> 4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
>> couldn\'t find any.
>>
>>
>> 5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid
>> that he couldn\'t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, \"No, the
>> steaks are too high.\"
>>
>>
>> 6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant
>> pulled him in.
>>
>>
>> 7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He
>> shouted, \"Doctor, doctor, I can\'t feel my legs!\" The doctor replied,
\"I
>> know you can\'t, I\'ve cut your arms off\".
>>
>>
>> 8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
>>
>>
>> 9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire
>> in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can\'t have
>> your kayak and heat it.
>>
>>
>> 10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van
>> covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped
himself.
>>
>>
>> 11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his
>> head. Doc says \"I\'ll give you some cream to put on it.\"
>>
>>
>> 12. \'Doc I can\'t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home\'
>> \"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. \'Is it common?\' \"It\'s not
>> unusual.\"
>>
>>
>> 14. Guy goes into the doctor\'s. \"Doc, I\'ve got a cricket ball
>> stuck up my backside.\" \"How\'s that?\" \"Don\'t you start.\"
>>
>>
>> 15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
>>
>>
>> 16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
>>
>> 17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me \"Can
>> you give me a lift?\" I said \"Sure, you look great, the world\'s
>> your oyster, go for it.\'
>>
>>
>> 18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There
>> are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It\'s either my
>> mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother
>> Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.
>>
>>
>> 19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other \"Your round.
>> \"The other one says \"So are you, you fat bast**d!\"
>>
>>
>> 20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery
>> acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let
the
>> other one off.
>>
>>
>> 21. \"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving
>> today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, \'Parking
>> Fine.\' So that was nice.
>>
>>
>> 22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, \"I\'ve hurt my arm in
>> several places\" The doctor said, \"Well don\'t go there anymore\"
>>
bert