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jokes part 3
At a paternity trial, the blonde\'s lawyer asked, \"On the night of July 16th last, at approximately 11:45 p.m., in the locale known generally as \'Lover\'s Lane\' did the defendant have sexual relations with you?\"
\"Yes,\" whispered the girl, her head bowed.
\"And did the defendant on that occasion, to the best of your knowledge, have a climax?\" the lawyer continued.
\"Oh no,\" she replied, \"I\'m pretty sure he had one of them fancy Toyotas.\"
********************************************
When the bars closed one night a very drunk guy staggered out of the bar and decided to take a shortcut home thru the graveyard. He fell into an open grave and passed out. Next morning he woke up half sober and freezing half to death. He started yelling \"HELP HELP I\'m freezing. HELP I\'m freezing\".
Another drunk staggers by and hears the yelling. He wobbles over, looks down at the guy shivering in the grave and says \"Goddam man. No wonder youre cold, You\'ve kicked all the dirt off of you.
********************************************
Q. What\'s the definition of eternity?
A. The length of time between when YOU come and SHE leaves.
********************************************
Sy comes home after his mother\'s funeral to try to put the place in order. He goes up to the attic to look around and finds an old trunk.
Looking in it, he discovers his father\'s WWll uniform. Sy tries it on and it\'s a little tight on him. Before taking it off, he puts his hand in the pocket and comes up with a ticket. Looking at it, he finds a shoe repair ticket for Herman\'s on West 53rd, dated January 14th, 1945. He
can barely believe it. An unclaimed ticket 56 years old.
Weeks later, Sy happens to be in the area of West 53rd and wanders over to see where the shoe repair was. He can\'t believe his good luck, a shoe repair store is still there. He wanders in and tells the story of finding the ticket to the old shoemaker.
The man says his name is Herman and has owned the shop for 60 years.
\"Gimme the ticket\" says Herman and wanders to the back of the shop.
Sy is amazed. What good fortune! What a coincidence! Only in America!
Herman comes back. \"I\'ve got your shoes. They\'ll be done Friday!\"
********************************************
A young couple took their three-year-old son to doctor Cohen. With some hesitation, they explained that, although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, \"Just feed him bagels with cream cheese. That should solve the problem.\"
The next morning, when ! the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large
stack of warm bagels and cream cheese in the middle of the table.
\"Gee, mom,\" the boy exclaimed. \"For me?\"
\"Just take two,\" his mother replied. \"The rest are for your father.\"
********************************************
Never argue with an idiot.
They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
********************************************
Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show. Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents.
Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous as her husband drove them home. \"I\'ve just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the question will be! \"Relax honey,\" her husband, Roger, reassured her, \"It will all be OK.\"
Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door. \"Where are you going?\" Jane asked.
\"I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon.\"
After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. \"Honey, I managed to get tomorrow\'s question and
answer!\"
\"What is it?\" she cried excitedly.
\"OK. The question is \'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?\' And the answer is \'The head, the heart, and the penis.\'\" The couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling at ease, plummeting into a
deep slumber.
At 3:30 a.m., however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question. \"The head, the heart, and the penis.\"
So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel butterflies. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days\' events, faced Jane and asked the big question.
\"Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds.\"
\"Hmm, uhm, the head?\" she said nervously.
\"Very good. Six seconds.\"
\"Eh, uh, the heart?\"
\"Very good! Four seconds.\"
\"I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning...\"
\"That\'s close enough!\" said the game show host, \"CONGRATULATIONS!!\"
At a paternity trial, the blonde\'s lawyer asked, \"On the night of July 16th last, at approximately 11:45 p.m., in the locale known generally as \'Lover\'s Lane\' did the defendant have sexual relations with you?\"
\"Yes,\" whispered the girl, her head bowed.
\"And did the defendant on that occasion, to the best of your knowledge, have a climax?\" the lawyer continued.
\"Oh no,\" she replied, \"I\'m pretty sure he had one of them fancy Toyotas.\"
********************************************
When the bars closed one night a very drunk guy staggered out of the bar and decided to take a shortcut home thru the graveyard. He fell into an open grave and passed out. Next morning he woke up half sober and freezing half to death. He started yelling \"HELP HELP I\'m freezing. HELP I\'m freezing\".
Another drunk staggers by and hears the yelling. He wobbles over, looks down at the guy shivering in the grave and says \"Goddam man. No wonder youre cold, You\'ve kicked all the dirt off of you.
********************************************
Q. What\'s the definition of eternity?
A. The length of time between when YOU come and SHE leaves.
********************************************
Sy comes home after his mother\'s funeral to try to put the place in order. He goes up to the attic to look around and finds an old trunk.
Looking in it, he discovers his father\'s WWll uniform. Sy tries it on and it\'s a little tight on him. Before taking it off, he puts his hand in the pocket and comes up with a ticket. Looking at it, he finds a shoe repair ticket for Herman\'s on West 53rd, dated January 14th, 1945. He
can barely believe it. An unclaimed ticket 56 years old.
Weeks later, Sy happens to be in the area of West 53rd and wanders over to see where the shoe repair was. He can\'t believe his good luck, a shoe repair store is still there. He wanders in and tells the story of finding the ticket to the old shoemaker.
The man says his name is Herman and has owned the shop for 60 years.
\"Gimme the ticket\" says Herman and wanders to the back of the shop.
Sy is amazed. What good fortune! What a coincidence! Only in America!
Herman comes back. \"I\'ve got your shoes. They\'ll be done Friday!\"
********************************************
A young couple took their three-year-old son to doctor Cohen. With some hesitation, they explained that, although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, \"Just feed him bagels with cream cheese. That should solve the problem.\"
The next morning, when ! the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large
stack of warm bagels and cream cheese in the middle of the table.
\"Gee, mom,\" the boy exclaimed. \"For me?\"
\"Just take two,\" his mother replied. \"The rest are for your father.\"
********************************************
Never argue with an idiot.
They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
********************************************
Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show. Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents.
Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous as her husband drove them home. \"I\'ve just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the question will be! \"Relax honey,\" her husband, Roger, reassured her, \"It will all be OK.\"
Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door. \"Where are you going?\" Jane asked.
\"I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon.\"
After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. \"Honey, I managed to get tomorrow\'s question and
answer!\"
\"What is it?\" she cried excitedly.
\"OK. The question is \'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?\' And the answer is \'The head, the heart, and the penis.\'\" The couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling at ease, plummeting into a
deep slumber.
At 3:30 a.m., however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question. \"The head, the heart, and the penis.\"
So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel butterflies. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days\' events, faced Jane and asked the big question.
\"Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds.\"
\"Hmm, uhm, the head?\" she said nervously.
\"Very good. Six seconds.\"
\"Eh, uh, the heart?\"
\"Very good! Four seconds.\"
\"I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning...\"
\"That\'s close enough!\" said the game show host, \"CONGRATULATIONS!!\"