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jokes part 1
A vet received a phone call very late one Saturday night.
\"Please come quick,\" a very agitated voice on the other end said. \"My dog has swallowed a condom.\"
\"Is he in distress?\" the vet asked.\"
\"You don\'t understand,\" the voice said. \"My dog has swallowed a condom.\"
\"Yes, but unless the thing has lodged in his throat it will probably pass through his system without harming the animal.\"
\"Please come quick,\" the voice went on undeterred. \"The dog has swallowed a condom and my girlfriend is getting very distressed.\"
Eventually the vet gave in and promised that he would come round right away. He was just putting his coat on when the phone rang again.
\"About the dog that swallowed the condom,\" said the voice, (it was a lot calmer now) \"Panic over, we\'ve found another one in the drawer.
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A young fireman placed a ladder against the bedroom window of a burning house and rushed up. Inside was a curvy brunette in a see- through nightie.
\"Aha,\" said he, \"you\'re the second pregnant girl I\'ve rescued this year!\"
\"But I\'m not pregnant,\" the brunette indignantly exclaimed.
\"You\'re not rescued yet either.\"
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Yo momma\"s so fat when God said let there be light, he told her to move her fat ass over.
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A guy walked into a pub and immediately noticed a young lady at the bar on her own.
After a couple of drinks he decided to offer her a drink and make small talk. She accepted.
\"What\'s your name?\" he asked her.
\"Carmen,\" she replied.
\"That\'s a nice name. Did your mother or father name you that?\"
\"Neither. I changed my name when I was eighteen from Sharon to Carmen.\"
\"Why did you do that?\" he asked.
\"Well,\" she explained, \"I like men and I like cars, so that is how I got my name.
What\'s your name?\"
\"Beerpussy,\" the man replied.
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Q. What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 50?
A. Your honor.
Q. What do you call a lawyer who has gone bad?
A. Senator.
Q. How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
A. Depends on how thin you slice them.
Q. What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A. Not enough sand.
Q. When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 36 feet deep?
A. Because down deep, they are all nice guys!
Q. How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A. Shoot him before he hits the water.
Q. Have you heard about the lawyers word processor?
A. No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.
Q. How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. You need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
Q. Why did the post office recall the new lawyer stamps?
A. Because people could not tell which side to spit on.
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Q. What do a clitoris, an anniversary and a toilet have in common?
A. Men usually miss them.
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Little Johnny had become a real nuisance while his father tried to concentrate on his Saturday afternoon poker game with friends and relatives. His father tried every way possible to get Little Johnny to
occupy himself...television, ice cream, homework, video games... but Little Johnny insisted on running back and forth behind the players and calling out the cards they held.
The other players became so annoyed that they threatened to quit the game and all go home. At this point, Little Johnny\'s uncle stood up, took him by the hand, and led him out of the room.
His uncle soon returned back to the poker table without Little Johnny, and without comment the game resumed. For the rest of the afternoon, Little Johnny was nowhere to be seen and the card players continued
without any further interruptions.
After the poker game ended, Little Johnny\'s father asked the uncle, \"What in the world did you do to Little Johnny? I haven\'t heard a peep from him all day!\"
\"Not much,\" Little Johnny\'s uncle replied. \"I just showed him how to play with himself.\"
A vet received a phone call very late one Saturday night.
\"Please come quick,\" a very agitated voice on the other end said. \"My dog has swallowed a condom.\"
\"Is he in distress?\" the vet asked.\"
\"You don\'t understand,\" the voice said. \"My dog has swallowed a condom.\"
\"Yes, but unless the thing has lodged in his throat it will probably pass through his system without harming the animal.\"
\"Please come quick,\" the voice went on undeterred. \"The dog has swallowed a condom and my girlfriend is getting very distressed.\"
Eventually the vet gave in and promised that he would come round right away. He was just putting his coat on when the phone rang again.
\"About the dog that swallowed the condom,\" said the voice, (it was a lot calmer now) \"Panic over, we\'ve found another one in the drawer.
********************************************
A young fireman placed a ladder against the bedroom window of a burning house and rushed up. Inside was a curvy brunette in a see- through nightie.
\"Aha,\" said he, \"you\'re the second pregnant girl I\'ve rescued this year!\"
\"But I\'m not pregnant,\" the brunette indignantly exclaimed.
\"You\'re not rescued yet either.\"
********************************************
Yo momma\"s so fat when God said let there be light, he told her to move her fat ass over.
********************************************
A guy walked into a pub and immediately noticed a young lady at the bar on her own.
After a couple of drinks he decided to offer her a drink and make small talk. She accepted.
\"What\'s your name?\" he asked her.
\"Carmen,\" she replied.
\"That\'s a nice name. Did your mother or father name you that?\"
\"Neither. I changed my name when I was eighteen from Sharon to Carmen.\"
\"Why did you do that?\" he asked.
\"Well,\" she explained, \"I like men and I like cars, so that is how I got my name.
What\'s your name?\"
\"Beerpussy,\" the man replied.
********************************************
Q. What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 50?
A. Your honor.
Q. What do you call a lawyer who has gone bad?
A. Senator.
Q. How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
A. Depends on how thin you slice them.
Q. What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A. Not enough sand.
Q. When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 36 feet deep?
A. Because down deep, they are all nice guys!
Q. How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A. Shoot him before he hits the water.
Q. Have you heard about the lawyers word processor?
A. No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.
Q. How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. You need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
Q. Why did the post office recall the new lawyer stamps?
A. Because people could not tell which side to spit on.
********************************************
Q. What do a clitoris, an anniversary and a toilet have in common?
A. Men usually miss them.
********************************************
Little Johnny had become a real nuisance while his father tried to concentrate on his Saturday afternoon poker game with friends and relatives. His father tried every way possible to get Little Johnny to
occupy himself...television, ice cream, homework, video games... but Little Johnny insisted on running back and forth behind the players and calling out the cards they held.
The other players became so annoyed that they threatened to quit the game and all go home. At this point, Little Johnny\'s uncle stood up, took him by the hand, and led him out of the room.
His uncle soon returned back to the poker table without Little Johnny, and without comment the game resumed. For the rest of the afternoon, Little Johnny was nowhere to be seen and the card players continued
without any further interruptions.
After the poker game ended, Little Johnny\'s father asked the uncle, \"What in the world did you do to Little Johnny? I haven\'t heard a peep from him all day!\"
\"Not much,\" Little Johnny\'s uncle replied. \"I just showed him how to play with himself.\"