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Quantas Airlines gripes and fixes:
>
> After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a \"gripe
> sheet,\" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The
> mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form,
> and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
>
> Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are
> some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Quantas\' pilots and
> the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.
>
> By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an
> accident.
> ----------------------------------------
>
> (P= The problem logged by the pilot.)
> (S= The solution and action taken by mechanics.)
>
> P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
> S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
> ----------------------------------------
> P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
> S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
> ----------------------------------------
> P: Something loose in cockpit.
> S: Something tightened in cockpit.
> ----------------------------------------
> P: Dead bugs on windshield.
> S: Live bugs on back-order.
> ----------------------------------------
> P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode
> produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
> S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
> ----------------------------------------
> P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
> S: Evidence removed.
> ----------------------------------------
> P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
> S: DME volume set to more believable level.
> ----------------------------------------
> P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
> S: That\'s what they\'re for.
> ----------------------------------------
> P: IFF inoperative.
> S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
> ----------------------------------------
> P: Suspected cr*ck in windshield.
> S: Suspect you\'re right.
> ----------------------------------------
> P: Number 3 engine missing.
> S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
> ----------------------------------------
> P: Aircraft handles funny.
> S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
> ----------------------------------------
> P: Target radar hums.
> S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
> ----------------------------------------
> P: Mouse in cockpit.
> S: Cat installed.
> ----------------------------------------
> P: Noise coming from under instrument
> panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
> on something with a hammer.
> S: Took hammer away from midget
>
> After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a \"gripe
> sheet,\" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The
> mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form,
> and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
>
> Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are
> some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Quantas\' pilots and
> the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.
>
> By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an
> accident.
> ----------------------------------------
>
> (P= The problem logged by the pilot.)
> (S= The solution and action taken by mechanics.)
>
> P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
> S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
> ----------------------------------------
> P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
> S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
> ----------------------------------------
> P: Something loose in cockpit.
> S: Something tightened in cockpit.
> ----------------------------------------
> P: Dead bugs on windshield.
> S: Live bugs on back-order.
> ----------------------------------------
> P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode
> produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
> S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
> ----------------------------------------
> P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
> S: Evidence removed.
> ----------------------------------------
> P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
> S: DME volume set to more believable level.
> ----------------------------------------
> P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
> S: That\'s what they\'re for.
> ----------------------------------------
> P: IFF inoperative.
> S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
> ----------------------------------------
> P: Suspected cr*ck in windshield.
> S: Suspect you\'re right.
> ----------------------------------------
> P: Number 3 engine missing.
> S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
> ----------------------------------------
> P: Aircraft handles funny.
> S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
> ----------------------------------------
> P: Target radar hums.
> S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
> ----------------------------------------
> P: Mouse in cockpit.
> S: Cat installed.
> ----------------------------------------
> P: Noise coming from under instrument
> panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
> on something with a hammer.
> S: Took hammer away from midget