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As we progress through the year 2010, I want to thank all of you for your educational posts over the past year.
as such;
I no longer open a public toilet door without using a paper towel, without worrying about the bacteria/MRSA on the handle.
I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of hydrogenated fats I have consumed over the years.
I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent the one about cockroaches eating the glue on envelopes, because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every tin I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.
I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.
AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face. Disfiguring me for life.
And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan ..
If you don't send this post to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large seagull with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the worms from 120 codling will infest your flesh, causing you to grow a hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician.
P. S.: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.
Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, all the best.
Lossafish
as such;
I no longer open a public toilet door without using a paper towel, without worrying about the bacteria/MRSA on the handle.
I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of hydrogenated fats I have consumed over the years.
I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent the one about cockroaches eating the glue on envelopes, because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every tin I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.
I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.
AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face. Disfiguring me for life.
And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan ..
If you don't send this post to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large seagull with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the worms from 120 codling will infest your flesh, causing you to grow a hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician.
P. S.: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.
Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, all the best.
Lossafish
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