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Lifted from elsewhere 
To the Citizens of the United States of America:
Britain is repossessing the USA.
In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the United States of America, and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and territories (except Kansas which she doesn’t fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
· You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.
· Then look up aluminium and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
· The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such has ‘favour’ and neighbour’. Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix –ize will be replaced by the suffix –ise.
· Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up ‘vocabulary’.
· Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ‘like’ and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
· There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of –ize.
· You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save the Queen. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
· You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent. Only adults should handle guns. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
· All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
· All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you to understand the British sense of humour.
· The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (gasoline will now be known as petrol), which is currently about $8.00 per US gallon. Get used to it.
· You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat and dressed not with catsup, but with salt and vinegar, and wrapped in newspaper.
· The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as lager. Australian beer is also acceptable as Australians are, pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth – see what it did for them.
· Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie McDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater. Ditto Dick van Dyke playing a cockney in Mary Poppins.
· You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of football – you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby. While it has some similarities to American football, it does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds, or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies. On second thoughts, don’t try rugby – the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you just as surely as they regularly thrash us.
· You will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
· You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.
· An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
· Daily Teatime begins promptly at 4.00pm, with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.
God Save the Queen
To the Citizens of the United States of America:
Britain is repossessing the USA.
In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the United States of America, and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and territories (except Kansas which she doesn’t fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
· You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.
· Then look up aluminium and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
· The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such has ‘favour’ and neighbour’. Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix –ize will be replaced by the suffix –ise.
· Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up ‘vocabulary’.
· Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ‘like’ and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
· There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of –ize.
· You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save the Queen. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
· You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent. Only adults should handle guns. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
· All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
· All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you to understand the British sense of humour.
· The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (gasoline will now be known as petrol), which is currently about $8.00 per US gallon. Get used to it.
· You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat and dressed not with catsup, but with salt and vinegar, and wrapped in newspaper.
· The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as lager. Australian beer is also acceptable as Australians are, pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth – see what it did for them.
· Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie McDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater. Ditto Dick van Dyke playing a cockney in Mary Poppins.
· You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of football – you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby. While it has some similarities to American football, it does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds, or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies. On second thoughts, don’t try rugby – the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you just as surely as they regularly thrash us.
· You will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
· You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.
· An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
· Daily Teatime begins promptly at 4.00pm, with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.
God Save the Queen
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