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1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it
>> was dead.
>>
>>
>>
>> "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.
>>
>>
>>
>> "Because I ****ed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the
>> child innocently.
>>
>>
>>
>> "You did WHAT?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
>>
>>
>>
>> "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and
>> it didn't move"
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> 2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
>>
>>
>>
>> Five minutes later....."Da-ad...."
>>
>>
>>
>> "What?"
>>
>>
>>
>> "I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?"
>>
>>
>>
>> "No, You had your chance. Lights out."
>>
>>
>>
>> Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
>>
>>
>>
>> "WHAT?"
>>
>>
>>
>> "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
>>
>>
>>
>> I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!"
>>
>>
>>
>> Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
>>
>>
>>
>> "WHAT!"
>>
>>
>>
>> "When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?"
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> 3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into
>> mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
>>
>>
>>
>> The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in
>> and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's
>> sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> 4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was
>> tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he
>> asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mummy, will you sleep with me
>> tonight?"
>>
>>
>>
>> The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
>>
>>
>>
>> "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
>>
>> A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
>>
>>
>>
>> "The big sissy."
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> 5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the
>> children's sermon.
>>
>>
>>
>> All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was
>> wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the minister
>> leaned over and said,
>>
>>
>>
>> "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
>>
>>
>>
>> The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on
>> microphone,
>>
>>
>>
>> "Yes, and my Mum says it's a bitch to iron."
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> 6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three
>> year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the
>> shower.
>>
>>
>>
>> She said, "Mummy, you are getting fat!"
>>
>>
>>
>> I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her
>> tummy."
>>
>>
>>
>> "I know," she replied, but what's growing in your bum?"
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> 7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,
>> Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
>>
>> Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...." His mother heard
>> what he was saying and gasped,
>>
>>
>>
>> "What are you doing?"
>>
>>
>>
>> The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mum."
>>
>>
>>
>> "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother
>> asked.
>>
>> "Yes," he answered.
>>
>>
>>
>> Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are
>> you teaching my son in math?"
>>
>>
>>
>> The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
>>
>>
>>
>> The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two,
>> that son of a bitch is four?"
>>
>>
>>
>> After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught
>> them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> 8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken
>> Little to her class.
>>
>>
>>
>> She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to
>> warn the farmer.
>>
>>
>>
>> She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and
>> said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
>>
>>
>>
>> The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think
>> that farmer said?"
>>
>>
>>
>> One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy
>> ****! A talking chicken!'"
>>
>>
>>
>> The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> 9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr.
>> Sugarbrown's daughter."
>>
>>
>>
>> Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane
>> Sugarbrown."
>>
>>
>>
>> The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you
>> Mr.Sugarbrown's daughter?"
>>
>>
>>
>> She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> 10. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with
>> the boys?"
>>
>>
>>
>> Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too
>> rough."
>>
>>
>>
>> The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, If I
>> can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> 11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She
>> stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating
>> a snack cake.
>>
>>
>>
>> The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your
>> muffin."
>>
>>
>>
>> She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."
>>
>> was dead.
>>
>>
>>
>> "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.
>>
>>
>>
>> "Because I ****ed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the
>> child innocently.
>>
>>
>>
>> "You did WHAT?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
>>
>>
>>
>> "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and
>> it didn't move"
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> 2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
>>
>>
>>
>> Five minutes later....."Da-ad...."
>>
>>
>>
>> "What?"
>>
>>
>>
>> "I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?"
>>
>>
>>
>> "No, You had your chance. Lights out."
>>
>>
>>
>> Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
>>
>>
>>
>> "WHAT?"
>>
>>
>>
>> "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
>>
>>
>>
>> I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!"
>>
>>
>>
>> Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
>>
>>
>>
>> "WHAT!"
>>
>>
>>
>> "When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?"
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> 3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into
>> mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
>>
>>
>>
>> The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in
>> and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's
>> sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> 4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was
>> tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he
>> asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mummy, will you sleep with me
>> tonight?"
>>
>>
>>
>> The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
>>
>>
>>
>> "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
>>
>> A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
>>
>>
>>
>> "The big sissy."
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> 5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the
>> children's sermon.
>>
>>
>>
>> All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was
>> wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the minister
>> leaned over and said,
>>
>>
>>
>> "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
>>
>>
>>
>> The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on
>> microphone,
>>
>>
>>
>> "Yes, and my Mum says it's a bitch to iron."
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> 6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three
>> year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the
>> shower.
>>
>>
>>
>> She said, "Mummy, you are getting fat!"
>>
>>
>>
>> I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her
>> tummy."
>>
>>
>>
>> "I know," she replied, but what's growing in your bum?"
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> 7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,
>> Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
>>
>> Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...." His mother heard
>> what he was saying and gasped,
>>
>>
>>
>> "What are you doing?"
>>
>>
>>
>> The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mum."
>>
>>
>>
>> "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother
>> asked.
>>
>> "Yes," he answered.
>>
>>
>>
>> Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are
>> you teaching my son in math?"
>>
>>
>>
>> The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
>>
>>
>>
>> The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two,
>> that son of a bitch is four?"
>>
>>
>>
>> After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught
>> them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> 8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken
>> Little to her class.
>>
>>
>>
>> She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to
>> warn the farmer.
>>
>>
>>
>> She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and
>> said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
>>
>>
>>
>> The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think
>> that farmer said?"
>>
>>
>>
>> One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy
>> ****! A talking chicken!'"
>>
>>
>>
>> The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> 9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr.
>> Sugarbrown's daughter."
>>
>>
>>
>> Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane
>> Sugarbrown."
>>
>>
>>
>> The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you
>> Mr.Sugarbrown's daughter?"
>>
>>
>>
>> She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> 10. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with
>> the boys?"
>>
>>
>>
>> Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too
>> rough."
>>
>>
>>
>> The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, If I
>> can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> 11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She
>> stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating
>> a snack cake.
>>
>>
>>
>> The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your
>> muffin."
>>
>>
>>
>> She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."
>>
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