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A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have
made to their passengers...
1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your
service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course,
you
happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to
cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."
2) "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller
suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his
backside. I'll
let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."
3) "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news
is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a
great
time.
The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between
Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our
destination."
4) "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is
a
security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here
for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass
some
time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on
a
wall.....'."
5) "We are now travelling through Baker Street... As you can see,
Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had
actually
told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think
about
things like that".
6) "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage
these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please
give it
to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."
7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the
driver
announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the
sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not
provided."
"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause ) "Oh go on
then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going
home...."
9) "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with
'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate
instructions."
10) "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means
that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself
or
your bags into the doors."
11) "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in
the door."
12) "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on
the second carriage -- what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't
you
understand?"
13) "Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..)
"Please
move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a
personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the
rear of
the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody golf
clubs
away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your
arse
sideways!"
14) "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking
allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking
a
joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the
carriage."
made to their passengers...
1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your
service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course,
you
happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to
cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."
2) "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller
suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his
backside. I'll
let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."
3) "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news
is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a
great
time.
The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between
Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our
destination."
4) "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is
a
security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here
for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass
some
time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on
a
wall.....'."
5) "We are now travelling through Baker Street... As you can see,
Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had
actually
told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think
about
things like that".
6) "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage
these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please
give it
to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."
7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the
driver
announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the
sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not
provided."
"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause ) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going
home...."
9) "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with
'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate
instructions."
10) "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means
that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself
or
your bags into the doors."
11) "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in
the door."
12) "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on
the second carriage -- what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't
you
understand?"
13) "Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..)
"Please
move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a
personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the
rear of
the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody golf
clubs
away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your
arse
sideways!"
14) "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking
allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking
a
joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the
carriage."
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