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Dear Cretins,
>
> I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I
> signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem,
> and telephone. During this three-month period I have
> encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously
> considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of
> monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific
> details, so that you can either pursue your professional
> prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more
> likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining
> reading material as you while away the working day smoking
> B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:
>
> My initial installation was cancelled without warning,
> resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat
> *****waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not
> arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your
> infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish
> robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website....HOW?
>
> I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a
> few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both
> familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then
> took place some two weeks later, although the technician did
> forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a
> drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem
> had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks
> my modem arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and
> begun to pay for it.
>
> I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%...
> hours between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the
> weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I
> have made 9 calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have
> been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested
> individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers.
>
> I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and
> someone will call me back); that no telephone line is
> available (and someone will call me back); that I will be
> transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone
> line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be
> transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answer
> machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will
> be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the
> irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other
> variations on this theme.
>
> Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have
> at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore,
> and also another one of those crucially important
> testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far
> more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustration's in
> print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive
> me, therefore, if I continue.
>
> I thought BT were ****, that they had attained the holy
> p*ss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no-one,
> anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or
> more obstructive to delivering service to their customers.
> That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone
> else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I
> discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and
> disappointment what a useless shower of *******s you truly
> are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum
> incompetents of the highest order.
>
> British Telecom - ****ers though they are - shine like
> brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire
> of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I
> have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive
> any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any
> potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the
> services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically
> failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted
> initially with hilarity and disbelief quickly be replaced by
> derision, and even perhaps bemused rage. I enclose two small
> deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray,
> as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both
> you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they
> have not become desiccated during transit - they were
> satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel
> considerable disappointment if you did not experience both
> their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very
> embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.
>
> Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short
> life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly
> unhelpful bunch of ****s.
>
>
> I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I
> signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem,
> and telephone. During this three-month period I have
> encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously
> considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of
> monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific
> details, so that you can either pursue your professional
> prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more
> likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining
> reading material as you while away the working day smoking
> B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:
>
> My initial installation was cancelled without warning,
> resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat
> *****waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not
> arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your
> infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish
> robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website....HOW?
>
> I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a
> few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both
> familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then
> took place some two weeks later, although the technician did
> forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a
> drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem
> had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks
> my modem arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and
> begun to pay for it.
>
> I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%...
> hours between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the
> weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I
> have made 9 calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have
> been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested
> individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers.
>
> I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and
> someone will call me back); that no telephone line is
> available (and someone will call me back); that I will be
> transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone
> line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be
> transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answer
> machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will
> be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the
> irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other
> variations on this theme.
>
> Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have
> at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore,
> and also another one of those crucially important
> testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far
> more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustration's in
> print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive
> me, therefore, if I continue.
>
> I thought BT were ****, that they had attained the holy
> p*ss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no-one,
> anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or
> more obstructive to delivering service to their customers.
> That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone
> else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I
> discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and
> disappointment what a useless shower of *******s you truly
> are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum
> incompetents of the highest order.
>
> British Telecom - ****ers though they are - shine like
> brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire
> of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I
> have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive
> any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any
> potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the
> services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically
> failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted
> initially with hilarity and disbelief quickly be replaced by
> derision, and even perhaps bemused rage. I enclose two small
> deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray,
> as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both
> you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they
> have not become desiccated during transit - they were
> satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel
> considerable disappointment if you did not experience both
> their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very
> embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.
>
> Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short
> life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly
> unhelpful bunch of ****s.
>