Tweet
a little bit of friday humour
>>> DADDY CALLING HOME.
>>>
>>> ((RING)))
>>>
>>> ((RING))))
>>>
>>> **Pick Up**
>>> "Hello?"
>>>
>>> "Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"
>>>
>&g t;> "No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul"
>>>
>>> After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle
>>> Paul"
>>>
>>> "Oh yes I do and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"
>>>
>>> ** Brief Pause**
>>>
>>> "Uh, okay then, .this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on< /FONT>
>>> the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to
>>> Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"
>>>
>>> "Okay Daddy, just a minute"
>>>
>>> A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it
>>> Daddy"
>>>
>>> "And what happened honey?" he asked
>>>
>>> "Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and
>>> ran around screaming.
>>> Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she
>>> isn't moving at all!"
>>>
>>> "Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
>>>
>>> "He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and
>>> he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool.
>>> But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to
>>> clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"
>>>
>>> **Long Pause***
>>>
>>> ***Longer Pause**
>>>
>>> Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool??"... Is this 486-5731??
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>> ************************************************** **********************
>>> ****
>>> ******
>>> A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
>>>
>>> Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that
>>> would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the FATHER.
>>>
>>> He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in
>>> favour if it.
>>>
>>> The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that
>>> even 10% was probably more pain that the father had ever experienced
>>> before.
>>>
>>> But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor
>>> to go ahead and bump it up a notch.
>>>
>>> The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband
>>> was still feeling fine.
>>> The doctor checked the husbands' blood pressure and was amazed at how
>>> well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The
>>> husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was
>>> obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the
>>> doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy
>>> baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
>>>
>>> When they got home, the milkman was dead on the porch.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>> ; ************************************************** **********************
>>> ****
>>> **
>>>
>>> A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when
>>> he's pulled over by the Police. The police officer approaches him and
>>> asks: "Have you been drinking Sir?" "Why?" asks the man, "Was I driving
>>> badly?" "No" replies the Officer, "You were driving splendidly.
>>> It was the ugly bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious"
>>>
>>>
>>>
>> ************************************************** **********************
>>> ****
>>> **
>>>
>>> A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up
>>> on Santa's lap. Santa asks: "What would you like Santa to bring you for
>>> Christmas?"
>>> The little girl replies: "I want a Barbie and Action Man. " Santa looks
>>> at the little girl for a moment and says: "I thought Barbie comes with
>>> Ken." "No," said the little girl "She comes with Action Man, she fakes
>>> it with Ken."
>>>
>>>
>>>
>> ************************************************** **********************
>>> ****
>>> **
>>>
>>> A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next
>>> to the barber chair, eating a cake while her dad gets his haircut. The
>>> barber smiles at her and says: "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on
>>> your muffin." "I know" she replies "I'm gonna get big t*ts too."
>>>
>>>
>>>
>> ************************************************** **********************
>>> ****
>>> *******
>>>
>>> Sky have just won the rights to screen the first World Origami
>>> Championships from Tokyo . Unfortunately it's only available on Paper
>>> View
>>>
>>>
>>> ;
>> ************************************************** **********************
>>> ****
>>> **
>>>
>>> A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest: "Father, it
>>> has been one month since my last confession... I've had s* x with Fannie
>>> Green every week for the last month."
>>>
>>> The priest tells the sinner: "You are forgiven. Go out and say three
>>> Hail Mary's'."
>>>
>>> Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two
>>> months since my last confession. I have had s*x with Fannie Green twice
>>> a week for the last two months."
>>>
>>> This time the priest asks: "Who is this Fannie Green?"
>>>
>>> "A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.
>>> "Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'."
>>>
>>> The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his
>>> sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church.
>>> All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and
>>> sits down in front of the Altar.
>>> Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green
>> ;> shoes.
>>>
>>> The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs
>>> slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.
>>>
>>> The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks: "Is that
>>> Fannie Green?"
>>>
>>> The altar boy replies: "No Father, I think its just the reflection off
>>> her shoes".
cheers
mark
>>>
>>> ((RING)))
>>>
>>> ((RING))))
>>>
>>> **Pick Up**
>>> "Hello?"
>>>
>>> "Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"
>>>
>&g t;> "No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul"
>>>
>>> After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle
>>> Paul"
>>>
>>> "Oh yes I do and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"
>>>
>>> ** Brief Pause**
>>>
>>> "Uh, okay then, .this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on< /FONT>
>>> the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to
>>> Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"
>>>
>>> "Okay Daddy, just a minute"
>>>
>>> A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it
>>> Daddy"
>>>
>>> "And what happened honey?" he asked
>>>
>>> "Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and
>>> ran around screaming.
>>> Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she
>>> isn't moving at all!"
>>>
>>> "Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
>>>
>>> "He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and
>>> he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool.
>>> But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to
>>> clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"
>>>
>>> **Long Pause***
>>>
>>> ***Longer Pause**
>>>
>>> Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool??"... Is this 486-5731??
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>> ************************************************** **********************
>>> ****
>>> ******
>>> A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
>>>
>>> Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that
>>> would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the FATHER.
>>>
>>> He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in
>>> favour if it.
>>>
>>> The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that
>>> even 10% was probably more pain that the father had ever experienced
>>> before.
>>>
>>> But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor
>>> to go ahead and bump it up a notch.
>>>
>>> The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband
>>> was still feeling fine.
>>> The doctor checked the husbands' blood pressure and was amazed at how
>>> well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The
>>> husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was
>>> obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the
>>> doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy
>>> baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
>>>
>>> When they got home, the milkman was dead on the porch.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>> ; ************************************************** **********************
>>> ****
>>> **
>>>
>>> A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when
>>> he's pulled over by the Police. The police officer approaches him and
>>> asks: "Have you been drinking Sir?" "Why?" asks the man, "Was I driving
>>> badly?" "No" replies the Officer, "You were driving splendidly.
>>> It was the ugly bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious"
>>>
>>>
>>>
>> ************************************************** **********************
>>> ****
>>> **
>>>
>>> A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up
>>> on Santa's lap. Santa asks: "What would you like Santa to bring you for
>>> Christmas?"
>>> The little girl replies: "I want a Barbie and Action Man. " Santa looks
>>> at the little girl for a moment and says: "I thought Barbie comes with
>>> Ken." "No," said the little girl "She comes with Action Man, she fakes
>>> it with Ken."
>>>
>>>
>>>
>> ************************************************** **********************
>>> ****
>>> **
>>>
>>> A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next
>>> to the barber chair, eating a cake while her dad gets his haircut. The
>>> barber smiles at her and says: "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on
>>> your muffin." "I know" she replies "I'm gonna get big t*ts too."
>>>
>>>
>>>
>> ************************************************** **********************
>>> ****
>>> *******
>>>
>>> Sky have just won the rights to screen the first World Origami
>>> Championships from Tokyo . Unfortunately it's only available on Paper
>>> View
>>>
>>>
>>> ;
>> ************************************************** **********************
>>> ****
>>> **
>>>
>>> A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest: "Father, it
>>> has been one month since my last confession... I've had s* x with Fannie
>>> Green every week for the last month."
>>>
>>> The priest tells the sinner: "You are forgiven. Go out and say three
>>> Hail Mary's'."
>>>
>>> Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two
>>> months since my last confession. I have had s*x with Fannie Green twice
>>> a week for the last two months."
>>>
>>> This time the priest asks: "Who is this Fannie Green?"
>>>
>>> "A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.
>>> "Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'."
>>>
>>> The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his
>>> sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church.
>>> All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and
>>> sits down in front of the Altar.
>>> Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green
>> ;> shoes.
>>>
>>> The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs
>>> slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.
>>>
>>> The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks: "Is that
>>> Fannie Green?"
>>>
>>> The altar boy replies: "No Father, I think its just the reflection off
>>> her shoes".
cheers
mark
Some canny ones there Mark.
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