New Whistle

[Charlie_Thompson]

Please excuse the language but I have now "Arrived" I don't like schmoozies, bum sniffers or bull sifters - you're fired!

Boss asked me yesterday while I was running something up his flaghole about an important networking opportunity we were due to attend today.

"Could you wear some shoes and trousers please tomorrow"

I looked down at my hairy toes and scabby knees poking out from the ra ra skirt I normally wear for work, fixed him in his good eye and thought -

"This is where the rubber really hits the road"

Told him I had one other pair of kecks - green, fat man's elasticated waistband with pockets on the side (rund the ankle area) and a T-shirt with a picture of a fishing reel on. If he was prepared for me to team them up with a pair of felt soled wading boots then box on laddy.

He actually asked me what my shoe size was (That's not nice, he was offering me two of his own shoes, he's 3ft tall and has feet like a salmon)

I took the hint - "My name is Charlie and I dress like a Tramp" see I can say it.

Upshot - had to buy a suit this morning for a 13:30 mind meld with with some corporate greedhead.

Last suit I bought was when I was 22 year old - from me enterprise allowance money I'd scrunged. Wore it once to jump the queue for a flat right opposite Ibrox (stayed 6 nights, realised Celtic played at the other one) Moved to London and lent it to a mate when he got married for 4 grand in the Hackney registry office to an African Lady and never seen it since.

Too much typing and haven't even got to the "Suits You" Royal Quays story yet .................. I beg your indulgence

[Charlie_Thompson]

Got to RQ early - I thought the shops opened at proper O'clock (9:00 in the morn) closed half days wednesdays and were shut on Sundee. NO halfy nine which meant I was forced to go into Costa Coffee (Has anyone got the irony in the name yet, there must be reams of gags out there - if not I lay claim) Payed 18 quid for a cup of scad and thought the surly youth (52) behind the counter was going to smash me up the head with some stainless steel frappacioto blender when I said I didn't want a gooseberry muffin I'd never even asked for. Got to laugh at Heather Mills's brunette syrup in The Sun though so worth every penny. (I was rugby tackled at the door when I tried to walk out with it.)

Phoned "mark" for advice and he started banging on about "linen" suits for 90p at Primark so that helped

Finger tired can't stop now though bbs

[Charlie_Thompson]

Had a spin round Next (shabby IMO) could spy the M&S Outlet at the end of the row and thought "My Life as a young-ish rebel is over, I am about to enter Satan's 70% wool with a dash of Polyflippolene world with a credit card in my own name" but noticed the "Suits You" sign - walked in a scruff - left looking like Ł147 (Flicking imaginary fag ash off me shoulders and wondering where I could stash 20 Bensons, A council mobile phone (XXL) and a 14" Gully Knife - Man bag is the only option so I'll have to pop over to Holland in Pansy in half a day to get one)

The man didn't believe I'd never really owned a suit - I said check NESA man it's all there - tired again I think I've got that illness Steven Hawkins has bbs

[Charlie_Thompson]

Bought suit, did a bit of work, took it off, went on computer - the end

[SIXFOOTSTEVE]

Bless ya Charles ,your procrastination truely is of legend and always of top interest ,last time I bought a whistle was for my old mans funeral ,recently had a clear out and boy do I wish I was the shape I was when I bought that suit ,I seem to have shrunk an inch and gained five inches in diameter ... what do I mean seem to have

[Charlie_Thompson]

I went to me dads funeral in a foxes glacier mint blue stroke nuclear green "Ice Suit" thank flip he wasn't cremated otherwise I might have went up with him.

I was a bit mad back then what with the things and that

[peter.m]

Word's out and they've all went shopping now

Shopper claims he was labelled 'dodgy geezer' by security staff - Warwick Today - Back to Home Page