Got Stoned and Missed the Off!

[Charlie_Thompson]

Must stop eating gravel sandwiches - had the wonderful experience of a stoned kidney for an hour or 7! Didn't hurt a bit like. Thank god for the humble poppy

Trying to flush me pipes with White Lightening just now, seems to be working, no pain at all and I'm told it will melt kryptonite. Gutted about not getting out.

Strange thing is I had to rush home from work on Thursday as me Mam was ambulanced to casualty with excruciating stomach pains, all she needed was a good fart though (wimp)

Had the pleasure of listening to -

• Prostate examination - Ooh Aahh Aahh Ohhh OW!
• Enema being adminstered - OW! Oooooooooh (3 mins later the souped up pitter patter of tiny feet off to the bog, separated from my bed by a thin sheet of plaster board. Spladunch Burble Burble Spladunch)
• 6 men formation snoring all night, I nearly took a hammer to them

Thanks for the Lucozade and Roll Ups lads and lasses

[SIXFOOTSTEVE]

Glad to hear you're OK mate .

You lose all dignity in them places matey eh !!!

As far as the snoring goes it was no bother for me as I was the worst snorer they'd had , well haway I was stuck on me back ,what did they expect .

[Charlie_Thompson]

You loose all dignity in them places matey eh !!!

I lost all dignity when they dragged me kicking and screaming from me mam's thingmy - covered in blood and snots, hung upside down by the feet by a fat nurse with a tash, slapped on the arse and named "Ian". I was watching Z Cars at the time and they didn't even wait till the adverts

[Charlie_Thompson]

Can't stop thinking about the missed trip - I'll get over it eventually, when we're next out

Also can't stop thinking what would have happened if that little calciumdiepoxide lad had been on the **** (Err hang on he's a kidley stone, that's his job - diddla(?)) and decided to go for a stroll 24 hours later.

6 Mile off, 6 knots top whack at the mo, Mark reckons if we spend 8 frazillion pounds on her by changing the -

• Engine
• Gearbox
• Crew
• Prop
• Hull

We'll get at least 7.5 to 8 knots, but we haven't, YET

So round about 6 hours to reach LAND not a lovely friendly A&E like Rake(?) Lane (Wife on reception wants to experience a stone of her own to stop her shuffling papers when a man like me's weeping over the counter, 12:00 dinner time, dressed for work, not a junky - and as for the lunatic dressed up as a nurse who offered me Paracetemol and Ibuprofen in tablet form )

6 hours OMG

The lads would have been definetly into the bestest session of their lives (Sods Law)

"Err excuse me lads can you make that the last drift, I've got a kidney stone on the move and it smarts a tad"

Chopper job it would have been I reckon.

*Note to self, get some Morphates for the boat - kidney stones, fish, peeler etc. the docs bound to understand and give you a litre or so just in case*

[Charlie_Thompson]

When it all kicked off I was in a room full of 30 fellow *Ahem* professionals. Staggered around a bit and knocked the odd table over going "AYA YA *******" I've heard since that no-one noticed, I do not work in a pub or a waltzer at the Hoppins by the way. I shudder to think what I'm like normally. Was sat sweating and wriggling me little toes while someone was looking up me symptoms on Google. I'd mentioned me Mam's earlier episode and the fact they'd found a urinary infection and maybe I'd caught it. As I said it the light went on - only one way to transfer that type of thing - at the same time a senior colleague's Google had come up confirming the same. Never will I be in another situation where I will burt out the words "No I Don't Sleep With MY Mother" again (Never say never I suppose though)

Oh aye and a woman with 9 degrees said - "You haven't been sitting in a cold draft have you because that can hurt your kidneys" if a cold draft had been to hand I would have batted her round the nut with it (Cold fecking draft)

SO many things hoving into view now the morphines a few days old - I was half allowed out to get some scran and a read as I was not a nil by mouth fella. Marched triumphantly into the acute urology ward brandishing a copy of Sea Angler and a Snake and Pygmy Pie. Just realised the significance of my only proper book, snaffled from the back seat of Mark's Rover ()

"Wrecks of the North East" trying to say likes

[Charlie_Thompson]

Just one more thing afore I go drink another 8 pints of water.

This briefing where us top brass do our thing was for once in a squadillion years over attended. Cock up on the catering front - like 10 people were going to starve to death. Never the case, majority of all buffets get loads binned, and everyone goes home unable to eat their proper tea properly

This situation was actually announced just before I had to do my clog dancing routine in a corporate style.

I detected a distinct whiff of malice in the air.

While I was sweating and foaming all over this room, out the way, grey as my dad's last pair of Farahs (show up wee stains to much IMO) some educated fool thrust a paper plate laden with sweaty baghis(?), net caught tuna sarnies, and chicken of an unknown origin through the gap in the door and said -

"You'll not be wanting your buffet then"

she had been forced into this situation by circumstance and I forgive her for that - but I'll never forget

[Topfly]

Glad your on the mend.

[Charlie_Thompson]

Glad your on the mend.

Pain's gone

[Topfly]

Nice one, get stuck in to some 'cold draught' then , or is that's why the pain is gone.

[mark]

ya big jessie. 6 miles out and you developed a bit soreness in your nethers it would of been the engine room for you with some gracie fields CDs to listen too and one them things we practical people call spanners. You'd of been sorted in a jiffy.

Could if been worse. It could of popped (or down?) a month ago 20 odd miles off shore

Becoming second homes to me these days them hospital things. Been sat next to all posh the machines again today trying to see if the use of my whyayePhone does actually interfere with all the jiggery pokery and there may be some truth in it. After an hour or 2 of mindless googling for summats to do the tea machine went in the blink - the tea stopped tasting like bovril. Although that might be my fault as I gallantly offered to help refill it and had put the cups in the wrong chutes

Picked me da up on the way over there and was going to take him to visit her but thought she'd be shocked at how much weight he'd lost so thought better of it and have spent the night trying to make him gain some extra weight by smoking extra tabs. Reckon I've added a couple of grams at least to him so far.

Kidneys schmidneys, took me 10 minutes to realise you weren't taking the pish

[Charlie_Thompson]

Got me maths wrong a bit but you get me drift